Chip Tsao’s Cheap Shot

The article below was published in Hong Kong and a lot of Filipinos reacted in anger with some over-acting  politicians riding on the issue asking the Philippine Government of filing a diplomatic protest of sort.  Whoa!

I say, don’t get MAD. Get Even.

The War at Home
By Chip Tsao

The Russians sank a Hong Kong freighter last month, killing the seven Chinese seamen onboard. We can live with that-—Lenin and Stalin were once the ideological mentors of all Chinese people. The Japanese planted a flag on Diàoyú Island. That’s no big problem-—we Hong Kong Chinese love Japanese cartoons, Hello Kitty, and shopping in Shinjuku, let alone our round-the-clock obsession with karaoke.

But hold on-—even the Filipinos? Manila has just claimed sovereignty over the scattered rocks in the South China Sea called the Spratly Islands, complete with a blatant threat from its congress to send gunboats to the South China Sea to defend the islands from China if necessary. This is beyond reproach. The reason: There are more than 130,000 Filipina maids working as HK$3,580-a-month cheap labor in Hong Kong. As a nation of servants, you don’t flex your muscles at your master, from whom you earn most of your bread and butter.

As a patriotic Chinese man, the news has made my blood boil. I summoned Louisa, my domestic assistant who holds a degree in international politics from the University of Manila, hung a map on the wall, and gave her a harsh lecture. I sternly warned her that if she wants her wages increased next year, she had better tell everyone of her compatriots in Statue Square on Sunday that the entirety of the Spratly Islands belongs to China.

Grimly, I told her that if war breaks out between the Philippines and China, I would have to end her employment and send her straight home, because I would not risk the crime of treason for sponsoring an enemy of the state by paying her to wash my toilet and clean my windows 16 hours a day. With that money, she would pay taxes to her Government, and they would fund a navy to invade our motherland and deeply hurt my feelings.

Oh yes. The Government of the Philippines would certainly be wrong if they think we Chinese are prepared to swallow their insult and sit back and lose a Falkland Islands War in the Far East. They may have Barack Obama and the hawkish American military behind them, but we have a hostage in each of our homes in the Mid-Levels or higher. Some of my friends told me they have already declared a state of emergency at home. Their maids have been made to shout ‘China, Madam/Sir’ loudly whenever they hear the word “Spratly”. They say the indoctrination is working as wonderfully as when we used to shout, “Long live Chairman Mao!” at the sight of a portrait of our Great Leader during the Cultural Revolution. I’m not sure if that’s going a bit too far, at least for the time being.

Since talk is cheap and Chip Tsao is cheap, I will also talk cheap.

Even if he is a Chinaman with very little gray matter in his brain and probably have very little understanding of Confucius’ teachings, I can still invoke the Golden Rule in dealing with him-

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

Or better still, why not the Biblical teaching of  “an eye for an eye, a tooth for  tooth” instead?

Nah, since his publisher, the ever sensitive and politically correct HK Magazine invoke satire in their defense of him–

Let’s do it their way then- satire for satire!

So, what if a Chinaman named Chip Tsao called the Philippines a “nation of servants” in his lousy column?

I’ll take earning an honest keep any day over the moolah  in Mr. Chip’s pocket whose progeny is quite suspect. For all we know, the food that Mr. Chip feeds himself or his family does not come from real green sources. Rather it came from very dirty polluted sources.

Hong Kong for all its lights and splendor on the surface cannot hide the fact that deep down its belly, it is one of the biggest sources (if not the conduit) of all the illicit goods that floods the world market today. It is the junkyard of the world literally and figuratively.

Human rights as well as Intellectual property rights are never heard nor respected in the Hong by the Kongs. Greed and piracy is the name of the game in Hongkie Town. And we are not even talking about China here, the world’s leading manufacturer of cheap and  toxic goods.

The itsy-weenie-yellow people’s  idea of  world domination  is  by LEADing the world into destruction. They’re very adept in misLEADing us about the safety of their products. Made in China, if you ask me,  is always synonymous with substandard, filthy and LEAD-laden products.

Hence, the Philippines may be called a “nation of servants” but we can also say that Hong Kong is a “Colony of Thieves” and “People of  Substance (Toxic)”. And it is a fact.

So what if Mr. Chip and his ilk gloat in the fact that many of our countrymen clean their toilets and windows and what have you?

At least, we are teaching them how to clean their stinky and dirty nests if not practice proper hygiene and helping them realize that Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

But since Hongkies like Mr. Chip are notoriously filthy in their lifestyle, we can be sure that they will continue to flood the world with new stuff that is only unique to Hong Kong and its inhabitants  such as SARS, Bird Flu and the like that we Filipinos are not capable of. I guess centuries-old filthy habits will never really die down  in Chinatown.

But this I say to you Mr. Chip and your ilk,

We may be mere servants in your myopic eyes and therefore has no rights in your clouded perception but history shows that when push comes to shove, servants do get even with their masters in so many ways,–

Beware of the lowly servants in your household for they may be meek and smiling yet they can also be wicked and knows how to get back at you in a subtle and not-so-very subtle way.

We can always pee in your tea. The adage, ‘if it’s yellow, let it mellow” is so true you know? Remember that even if it is Green tea you like, I will guarantee that we will always find a way.

And if tea is not your cup of tea, then we can always put boogers into your coffee. It will be so tasty that you will never know what went through your filthy mouth when you slurp that last drops of cappuccino or mocha inside you.

We can always glaze your Peking duck with our ear wax until it shines so bright that will surely whet your appetite.

And we have the knack for the odd job and the nose to improvise and do some pretty spraying and sneezing and lacing those noodles of yours with plenty of oodles.

Don’t mistake this for a figure of speech but We do have the power of spit, too. You may  find those orange and slimy phlegm sliding and rolling in your calloused tongue. You may also end up shoveling  those  green and sticky gunks from our throats into your smelly  piehole  without second thoughts.

And then when you are finally full, sated and bloated. The “mineral” water in your glass may come from the porcelain “well” where you flush all your inhibitions down. Recycling is so in nowadays that we can always practice them for you. So, be careful of what you wish for?

Last but not the least–

WE can always dip your toothbrush in the loo.  Nyahaha.